Note to reader: this is purely satirical. Hopefully, I don’t come across as too rude or that I hate small groups (I actually led small groups for around 6 years). But I think satire is an interesting form of argument, so I wanted to experiment with it in this post. If you think this comes across as unChristlike, please leave a respectful comment below explaining your reasons for thinking such. I would appreciate any feedback. And, sincerely, I do wish all of you a merry Christmas, and hope any struggles you face are comforted by the peace of Christ. Also, please try to find some way to help the under-privileged this year. 



We have no idea what season Jesus was actually born. But that won’t stop us Christians from defending the celebration of his birthday from Thanksgiving until December 25! Remember, we are fighting tooth and claw in a merciless war on Christmas. The liberal, atheist, (vegan?) Democrats want to eliminate all Christian holidays from America. That’s right. They want them to be illegal. We are only a few years away from communist labor camps.

Christians in other countries are beheaded for their faith in Jesus Christ. In America, not every single one of our hyper-consumerist stores unrelentingly promote Christianity. It’s basically the same thing, right? So while Christians are sitting in solitary confinement in Iran, we need to be doing our part as well this holiday season. And here’s how

One: Say Merry Christmas

As we all know, the Clintons, Obama, and Starbucks are part of a secret clan to destroy Christianity. Their main means of accomplishing this goal is forcing everyone to say “Happy Holidays” (I apologize for the offensive quote. Maybe I should censor it next time).”H**** H*******” is the creeping into your homes, converting every Christmas tree into a “Holiday Tree” and making sacred sacraments like Christmas shopping into pagan debauchery. This is not just a war on Christianity. It is a war against the traditional family. If your kids grow up forced to say “H***** H*******,” then they will probably believe in evolution. And after that, they will ride energy-efficient transportation straight to hell.

How do we combat this ravenous onslaught? The first step is quite simple: follow the Holy Spirit’s guidance and get butt-hurt at every store employee who says the H-words to you. Getting mad and offended at people for wishing you well is exactly what Jesus would have done. Remember, that time when Jesus went ninja-mode and beat all of the people in the temple with a whip? It’s basically the same thing. (None of the gospel texts actually say he was angry or that he hit anyone or that he was out of control, but we need to justify our anger somehow).

After allowing your righteous, baby-Jesus-inspired rage boils in your soul, respond with a heated “Merry Christmas” and stare deep into their heathen eyes. This employee probably spends their days listening to metal music and have never heard of Christmas or Jesus before. This one phrase could save her soul. And even better, you can share this Christmas evangelism story with your small group after your girlfriend with whom you’ve never held hands testifies how she refused to do any Christmas shopping at the satanic temple of Target. As we all know, gender-neutral bathrooms create an air-tight forcefield against all Christmas spirit.

I can’t move away from this topic without emphasizing how important it is to avoid the facts. Remember, appearance is reality. What the world is actually like matters little compared to how you feel. If you are thinking, “But how can I ignore facts if they are so clearly laid before me?” It’s quite easy.

For example, here are the statics about how much people say “Merry Christmas” compared to “H***** H*******”:

This article shows that the percentage of people saying “Merry Christmas” far exceeds those who say the H-words. With these facts and numbers, what are we going to do?

It’s actually really simple. Just say, “Well, the Washington Post is liberal.” Boom! Facts don’t count if they are stated by liberals. It says that in the Bible somewhere I think. Congratulations, you just defeated math with your righteous, Christmas fists of justice.

Two: Boycott Starbucks 

Admittedly, I haven’t paid any attention to what Starbucks is up to these days. I prefer to drink capitalism in the form of sugar-liquid sodas rather than coffee. But I’m sure those anti-Americans at Starbucks have launched some sort of strategic attack against Christians. First, they released their “holiday” cups conjured up from black magic rituals. Then, they had the audacity to ruin the sacredness of gender-specific, single-person bathrooms. You may be thinking something like, “Does it really matter? Most Starbucks have single-person bathrooms, and those are usually the same. The only difference is the sign on the door. Who cares if they just change a sign?”

If that is your response, then it’s too late for you. All I can say is merry Christmas, you sodomite!

Three: Purge Yourself from Paganism

You may have done steps one and two faithfully, but to be a true Christian, you need to rid yourself from the common pagan symbols of this season. If there is one thing that will make Jesus cry on his birthday, and it’s not all the poor who suffer needlessly. Jesus hates your Christmas decorations. Sure, the meaning of symbols is in its use. That’s why wedding rings are now considered signs of love instead of property ownership. But that’s just the excuse used by “Christians” who go trick or treating instead of attending your church’s sarcastically unentertaining Fall Festival.

There are so many people living in poverty who need the love of Christ. So many who need their fears and concerns comforted by the Gospel. But forget them. You need to rage about Santa Claus. Okay, so the character of Santa is modeled after an actually Christian who gave gifts to under-privileged children. But where is the line to see Jesus at the mall? As Jesus himself said, “You will always have the poor with you.” This means you don’t need to worry about helping them. And if you ignore those who are desperately crying out for assistance, it will give you more time to explain to your small group why they shouldn’t have a lit reindeer in their yard. What matters most is feeling safe.

If we can follow these three steps this year, then hopefully the church can become even more of an irrelevant white-noise machine than we already are. And the best part about being irrelevant is that we don’t have to worry about any emo kids coming through our church doors.

Merry Christmas.


P.S. I recommend making a Christmas gift to a charity this year. I support the “Cradle of Christianity Fund.” It is an organization that helps individuals victimized by ISIS and other forms of terrorism in the area. You can donate at the following link (it’s as easy as buying from Amazon):